Tag: Support

  • Shifting how we Communicate: Validation

    Shifting how we Communicate: Validation

    We turn to one another in times of difficulty. When we turn towards each other, we are doing so with a hope and at times an expectation that we are going to receive a helpful response from the person we are confiding in. However, it is not uncommon for people to turn towards their trusted person only to receive a response that leaves them feeling more isolated than they did initially. When we tell our story or share a difficult experience, we are often doing so with the hope of someone understanding or empathizing with our situation. Rarely, do we turn to one another to brainstorm solutions, to explore alternative perspective or to be convinced that we should be feeling differently than we do. If this is what we are seeking, often we are good at articulating this.

    Where it becomes challenging is that as a society, we are taught from a young age to “fix” the presenting problem. If a child falls and scrapes their knee, we fix it with a bandaid. If someone hits your vehicle in a parking lot, they take accountability and repair the damage. However, when it comes to emotions, rarely can someone’s words remedy the pain experienced. Validation is both an internal and an external process. We can support or suppress our own emotional processes by how we respond to ourselves and the people we turn to can help or hinder depending on how they respond to our pleas to be heard.

    The good news is that the art of validation is something that is learned. While some people are better at validating than others, this is likely a direct representation of how they have been validated or responded to in times of need. Often, clients will reflect that when they are feeling anxious, they remind themselves that they are “fine”. While this reminder can be helpful, it rarely is when stated on its own. Can you imagine if your best friend came to you and said “I am having a terrible day and I am feeling completely isolated and alone” and you responded saying “you are fine”? While we may not be experts in validation, many of us possess the skills to respond in a more nurturing way than this. When we highlight the discrepancy between how we talk to ourselves, versus how we talk to one another, we can shift the way we respond to our own emotional processes.

    Listening attentively, avoiding distractions and offering encouraging body language and responses are often highlighted when outlining how to validate. However, I want to offer you a validation hack if you will:

    1. Try to identify the emotion being experienced.
    2. Offer a minimum of 3 potential reasons why the emotion is presenting.
    3. Repeat

    Let’s look at this through an example: Your spouse comes home from work and is irritable and defeated. You check in and say “how was your day”, they quickly respond “awful”. You ask, “how come?” and they respond “same old garbage”. While our first response may be to feel annoyed by their energy, put off by the lack of communication or to walk away out of self-preservation, we also have the option to turn towards and validate. Step 1: Try to identify the emotion. I suspect this person may feel one or multiple of the following: sad, frustrated, angry, unheard, exhausted. Step 2: offer a minimum of potential reasons why the emotion is presenting. “It makes sense that you are frustrated because (1) your boss keeps assigning you more work without any additional pay, time or acknowledgment. (2) You were stuck in traffic for an extra 20 minutes. (3) I told you I would make dinner tonight and then I asked you to pick up groceries on the way home.”

    If you are right in your guesses, they are going to feel understood and will likely share more information. If you are wrong in your guesses, they are going to feel your attempt to understand, may correct you or it may not have an impact. They are not going to glob onto a reason that was incorrectly identified. Note: Your response is offering understanding, it is not fixing or challenging what they are feeling.

    I encourage you to try this out on a friend, family member or co-worker and see how they respond. The more we practice this skill, the more accessible it becomes.

    I also encourage you to try it out on yourself. Next time you are feeling anxious, irritable, sad, etc., try to label the emotion being experienced. For example: I am feeling anxious. Then offer a minimum of 3 potential reasons why. It makes sense that I am feeling anxious because (1) I haven’t been able to connect with my friends in person for months (2) It has been raining consistently for 3 days and I haven’t been outside (3) My work just shifted to a new online database and I don’t understand how to use it. Again, note how your response is offering you understanding. It is not fixing or challenging what you are feeling. Once we offer and are offered understanding, then we can move into problem solving if it seems appropriate. Always follow the lead of the person who is being validated. If you are validating a friend, family member or co-worker, do not move into problem solving unless they request your help. For yourself, don’t move into problem solving until you are ready.

    Again, I encourage all of us to practice validating people in our lives and see how it can dramatically shift the way we connect and communicate. If we mess up, we can always validate that too!

  • Walking the Middle Path: Dialectics

    Walking the Middle Path: Dialectics

    Dialectics is the balancing of opposites while entering the paradox of “yes” and “no”, “true” and “not true” at the very same time.  We know that the universe is filled with opposing ideas and opposing forces, meaning that there is always more than one way to see a situation, and more than one way to solve a problem.  While it can be difficult to see at times, two things that seem like opposites can both be true. When I think about how this may present, I can see that we can be by ourselves AND still be connected to others.  We can be with others AND still be lonely.  We can be mad at someone AND love and respect the person.  We can disagree with rules AND follow the rules. We can be independent AND want help. The ways in which we experience the world around each of us are all valid, though they are all different.  The way a given situation impacts each of us individually is going to be different, but again, is valid.  


    When we look at the world through this lens, we also become aware of the fact that we are all connected and can step away from black and white thinking.  The way we treat one another impacts the individual person, but then it also impacts their family, their co-workers, the person at the grocery store, gas station or anyone they come into contact with.  What we do influences our environment and other people in it and in turn the environment and other people influence us.  The stress of the holiday season, covid, finances, etc. can impact the way we hold ourselves, but I wonder if we can all turn inwards and acknowledge the ability to be stressed or overwhelmed AND grateful.  To be excited about a covid vaccine AND defeated about not knowing when we will receive it.  To be excited for the holidays AND feel upset that traditions may not look the same as other years.  Despite all these opposing forces, how can we support the positive ripple effect in our families, communities and places of work?  


    What I am trying to get at here is that we can feel the challenging emotions but also acknowledge the other side. We can feel positive emotions and acknowledge the difficult feelings. If you are inherently a positive person and find it easy to look on the bright side, then it may be more challenging to see the challenging emotions lying beneath the surface. Conversely, if you are more prone to feel challenging emotions, it may be difficult to see the positive side of things. Regardless, it is difficult for all of us to “walk the middle path” and hold space for both.  But when we try,  we can live whole-heartedly and have empathy for one another and our varying perspectives.